r/AmIOverreacting • u/Confident_Local_2335 • 10h ago
👥 friendship AIO to my “best friend” finally reaching out
I (28m) woke up to a text this morning from my best friend (28m) of 21 years after he went no contact out of the blue 8 months ago. No warning, no explanation. Just gone. He stopped answering calls, texts, I’ve tried showing up at his house to see if he was okay with no response. Any effort of support or encouragement on my end, was ignored.
Before this, him and I would talk on the phone multiple times a week and we would hangout quite often. We never fought or argued or had any kind of falling out. So for him to just disappear was confusing and sad. The first few months I was extremely worried about his well being. He’s always been the type to bottle his emotions and not talk about problems he’s dealing with. So I was concerned something happened that made him shut down.
That was until I found out he was still talking to one our mutual friends who lives in another state the entire time. I tried reaching out to the mutual friend and asking him if everything was okay and got left on reads.
After about 5 months I gave up trying to reach out. I started to accept that he didn’t want to be friends. Whatever reason he had was good enough for him to throwaway a 21 year long friendship. I’ve been grieving the loss of my best friend ever since.
Then this morning I woke up to this text from him. AIO for feeling angry and sad and like I don’t even want to respond back? Not out of pettiness but because he dropped me with no explanation?
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u/Sufficient-Heat5214 10h ago edited 10h ago
I mean you have every right to be mad so no you aren't over reacting.
But I'd at least see why they went MIA for so long. If you don't like their reason you can just go on not hanging out with them.
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u/SurprisePitiful9191 9h ago
This. Maybe the friend was depressed. Some people can be triggering no matter how kind they are, sometimes you just need space from them.
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u/PotentialMessage7001 7h ago edited 5h ago
I had a friend who was bipolar. He would disappear for months and then suddenly pop up again. Same happens with people who have PTSD. It's not that they don't care anymore. They compartmentalize when overwhelmed.
EDIT: Wow, thanks everyone for sharing your stories!
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u/Available-Tip-2552 6h ago
As someone with depression and severe ptsd, I struggle with this majorly. I get so inside my own head that everyone would be better off and happier without me, sometimes it feels impossible to reach out, even to people i love. I feel like I'm doing what's best for them and what they want by making myself disappear. When you feel like everyone hates you and would be better off with you dead, it feels like the right thing to do, to isolate yourself.
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u/twoperks 5h ago
This is sadly 100% the case, even when close friends hit me up and i don't reciprocate even though they're always on my mind
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u/deplume 5h ago
I cannot tell you how infuriating and saddening it is to be on the other end of this.
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u/CiCi_Run 4h ago
I always think about that too. Like if i can somehow convince myself that the person does care and they want me to reach out and I won't be a problem or burden to them... I'm left with knowing that they're probably mad and disappointed in me (rightfully so) for being gone for however long... and as punishment, I shouldn't reach out at all... so i don't. It's also my avoidant attachment issues coming up... and then I realize I'm such a fucking mess and no one should deal with this mess anyways so keep silent and pull away.
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u/lunakaimana 3h ago
Attachment! Yes!!
PS - when you’re in those frozen states - would you rather people stop reaching out and wait for you to come back, or would it be helpful (though still guilt-provoking) to still get gentle support through it even if you can’t respond?
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u/rk800s 2h ago
As someone who goes through periods it’s really lovely when my friends continue to send gentle support, and it has helped me ground myself in the past as well. Of course, it’s not something I expect by any means
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u/Significant-Ad-4327 1h ago
I like check ins about once a week saying something really low key. A silly meme that made you think of them or a short message like “Still here if you need me. I love you. No need to reply.”
Seeing those helps me talk back at the dark thoughts - harder to keep thinking I’m a burden when people keep telling me they love me even when i’m stuck under my blankets frozen in a panic/flight/freeze loop.
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u/Top_Connection9079 5h ago edited 5h ago
Then just keep in your mind that anyone can get depression, even you. That one day you might do the same thing to someone, even if you think you'd never. Depression can't be fought with 'will' only, and all medication don't necessary work on everyone the same way. When it works at all and doesn't only trigger the worst side effects like hallucinations etc (ex-caretaker in a mental facility speaking).
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u/No-Way-6611 4h ago
I often go months at a time without talking to anyone at all. I've been diagnosed with Agoraphobia for 5 years but very few people know this as my head tells me that everyone is sick of my excuses.
I spend almost every waking moment worrying about what other people are thinking of me, constant pits of dread in my stomach when I think of a good friend I left on read or how many more times I'm gonna see my mum before it's too late.
No amount of affirmation, support or space will ever be enough. I will always be convinced that the only excuse that will ever be good enough for everyone will be the one that I probably can't mention here.
You have every right to feel hurt and angry but this comment honestly felt like a punch in the stomach.
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u/deplume 5h ago
If someone sat you down and told you one-on-one how important you were, and they that they always appreciated hearing from you and loved you, repeatedly - would it still be this much of a struggle?
I ask because this sounds like a falling out Ive had with my best friend of 30 years. No matter how much I told him he mattered he would not make an effort. I finally had to tell him without any further effort from him I would finally have to stop trying - and I did. Now I think he's in this spiral you're describing despite me telling him otherwise, dozens upon dozens of times. We havent spoken meaningfully in well over a year.
One person cannot maintain a relationship. I'm so angry at him but it feels like telling him that would just make everything worse, based on your thoughts.
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u/pro_lurk 5h ago
Personally, that doesnt work for me. I have had several friends, colleagues and bosses do exactly this in attempts to get me to see my own worth and communicate more. But it never works. I will always distance myself and I will never be the first to reach out. Even therapy hasn't gotten me to a point where I will reach out.
Ptsd just has a hold on people that may be difficult to understand.
Even now all I want to do is delete this comment like I delete every comment I ever write because in my mind "what's the point, nothing I say has any value, no one cares about my opinion". But my therapist keeps saying opposite action will help me. I'm supposed to do the opposite of what I feel is right. So here goes.
I think OPs friend is incredibly brave to reach out and I wish I could be so brave.
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u/writedream13 5h ago
It’s brave of you to post this comment and try to help someone understand. I hope you can manage to leave it up.
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u/ryuhwaryu 5h ago
From one person with ptsd to another, I see your effort.
I know it feels wrong and it will again and again until one time you do it without thinking. And then the cycle happens again, but the moment where it's a bit easier comes quicker. And you start again from the beginning.
Until eventually the moments that you don't think about it are more than the moments you do.
I don't think it'll ever fully leave, but you've set the first step.Well alright now I feel stupid and wanna delete this comment but here goes nothing.
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u/Last_years_Easteregg 3h ago
I want to preface what I'm about to say that I in no way, shape, or form approve of using recreational or street drugs to do self treatment. With that being said, there are some very interesting and amazing studies being done with psychedelics and mental health that offer some real hope for healing from ptsd and other mental health conditions. Here's one specifically about ptsd treatment. Might be worth it to see if you can get into one of the studies if you're near one.
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u/Overall-Scratch3921 3h ago
Please keep this comment up. I go through similar thoughts and feelings and this has really helped me feel less alone today.
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u/MLA800M 4h ago edited 3h ago
What you write is so relatable, and spot on! It triggered something in me, sorry in advance for the long story: In my case the cause was a serious depression. Deep inside wanted contact, but the urge to hide from the world was so much stronger. Still is sometimes.
Unfortunately People not suffering from things like this will usually never really understand, no matter how kind they are.
In my case there was a guy from our friend group who ghosted all of us because he had found cooler, more interesting friends (at least in his mind), and showed off his new cool life on social media. When i got in trouble mentally a few years later, and had to move to an other city, and failed to actively stay in contact, they all thought i had done the same thing. Leading to a lot of resentment. But in reality i was completely alone, suffering.
I realize i’m mostly to blame, some of them actively tried to contact me early on, but i didn’t respond. Still, much later, when i finally found enough courage to contact them again i got a similar response as OP feels about this text message. Most didn’t respond at all. Tried multiple times after that, also one on one, but was never able to restore contact with most guys, i’m dead to them, even after i explained what really happened. Years later now, i don’t blame them but it does f’cking hurt. Still trying to start over, which is not as easy as people say in your late 30’s.
Don’t be offended if i remove this comment later. Even anonymously on the internet i’m very far outside of my comfort zone sharing this.
To answer the question, OP you are probably NOR, but if you can, try not be too harsh.
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u/pro_lurk 3h ago
I hope OP reads your story. Self-isolation really is so difficult to understand to people who have never been there.
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u/RoyalTraining8103 3h ago
Thank you for posting this. I understand someone so much better now. Appreciate you. I hope therapy starts making the difference and you keep trying. People love you.
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u/tslojr 5h ago
Not the user that you replied to, but I do also suffer from severe depression and PTSD.
It honestly doesn't help. My brother and I have had those conversations many times over the last decade or so, but no amount of external validation will help someone in that headspace.
Until someone with these kinds of afflictions gets professional help to start working through the root causes of their issues, they'll never be able to accept that they aren't a burden to others.
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u/The_butsmuts 5h ago
I wish I could tell you that having that one on one conversation would help, but for the most part it fuels the spiral with things like "they're just saying this because they pity me", "they hate me and are making fun of me in this weird fucked up way", or "they're just lying to try to make me feel better".
I wish there was something I tell you that magically fixed the whole relationship but there isn't.
The mind can be ones greatest enemy, how to help someone overcome that enemy is sadly not something I can help with.
I'm sorry you're going through this with your friend, if you can try to make sure he knows he can talk to you about his worst thoughts without judgement.
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u/drunkeymunkey 4h ago
I spiral into a hole of isolation at least once a year & then have to make the embarrassing 'apology tour' when I crawl out. The only relationships I've been able to maintain are with long term friends that know my mental health.
You're justified to be upset & OP is NOR.
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u/PotentialMessage7001 4h ago
From my experience, it's really brave you even go on an "apology tour"
I've had minor (!) shutdowns myself and it can be hard.
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u/PotentialMessage7001 5h ago edited 5h ago
Their nervous system can literally freeze them.
You want to grab them by their shoulders and scream "Don't you see I'm here and care for you" but it often has the opposite effect because in those states affection can be read as danger.
Once both sides understand and professional help is involved, there are strategies to deal with it but both have to want to put the effort in it.
It's very likely your friend wanted nothing more than get back to you but couldn't.
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u/Top_Connection9079 5h ago
It's not a question of making efforts or not, when your brain disfunctions on a chemistry level. Can you drive a car without fuel?
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u/fenn-iee 5h ago
from my personal experience with C-PTSD, depression, and being abused as a kid- it wouldn't help. i love the people in my life but being told how much they value me doesn't make me feel valued- i want to feel good when i hear it, but i just feel guilty, undeserving, and unable to meet the expectations being placed on me by being seen as valuable/loved. a lot of my issues circulate around my self worth and nobody, not even the people i love and trust most, can convince me that i'm not just a walking, talking pit of debt that can never be repaid. i have to convince myself of that, and i'm trying to as i work through all my issues in therapy, but it's gonna take a long, long time. i'm sorry for the consequences that has on my relationships, i wish i could just feel good when i'm told i'm loved, but i don't.. the best thing people can do for me is check in, let me know gently that they want me around without putting too many stakes on it, and have talks with me about what can/cannot work in the relationship if i'm going through extended periods of social withdrawal. i'm lucky most of my people understand that sometimes life, or your own mind, just takes you away for a while, and will pick things back up where they left off. that's just my experience though, and your frustrations and feelings are valid. just know that you're not being discarded, and you can find ways to close the distance made by memtal illness, it just takes work and paitence.
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u/Sedatephobia 4h ago
Hello, I had this exact thing happen to me. I suffer from a form of anxious attachment that tends to creep up at the worst of times. I came "clean" to my friends after about a year of suffering it by myself and explained that sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough/doing something wrong/secretly hated/etc.
We actually had a very good conversation about it. Tears and all from both sides. They listened to me and very plainly stated that yes I matter to them, no they're not gonna leave me, yes they'd be distraught if I left them, etc. I honestly think it was a good thing to get out all the feelings between us. It affirmed that I could trust them even with such a "dark" secret like that and they wouldn't leave me if I was sad/upset. But it was MY choice to go to them, not an intervention from them.
And it helped.. for a little. I was on top of the moon after our conversation and a few days after, but soon the little dark thoughts kept popping back in, twisting their words and telling me they just said that to appease me, that I wasn't even worth the effort to tell to go away. Some of that conversation was even in text, so I could go and look back at it, but those dark thoughts overwrote any happiness I once felt.
Because I trust them entirely and know the little black thoughts aren't real (no matter how real they feel at the time), I chose to go seek therapy. And it's.. helping. It's not a quick fix by any means and those dark thoughts are still there, but they're a lot easier to ignore than before, where I would spend days in that hole. Now it's an hour or two at most.
Your friend has to have the strength to seek help.
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u/Sea-Personality1244 7h ago edited 7h ago
Yeah, it took me a month to get back to a very dear friend I've known for over twenty years because I've been extremely overwhelmed by both work and my completely estranged father suddenly dying and having to deal with all the inheritance stuff alone. I've been sleeping 1 - 4 hours a night because I'm so stressed out and working full time. Every time (daily!) I've thought of getting back to my friend, my train of thought has been, 'I need to respond to her... but I really need to deal with the other stuff first and get it out of the way before I can do something nice like talking to my friend... and now I'm too tired and I don't want to answer her when I'm not properly focusing because she deserves my full attention', and so time keeps passing and I keep feeling more and more terrible about it.
Now I finally got a significant portion of the inheritance stuff done and I have a break from work so I immediately messaged her and apologised for having taken so long. Her answer was, 'No worries! I completely understood! Are you hanging in there?' Obviously it'd have been totally fair if she'd been angry or frustrated with the lack of communication but we've known each other for so long that she gets it's not because I don't care or can't be bothered. It's precisely because it's important that I don't want to do it half-assed when I'm overwhelmed by crappy circumstances.
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u/ladygrndr 5h ago
I am so glad that she was patient and loving with your silence, and hope things are going much better for you now. I have several friends who I can talk to once or twice a year, and it's like we never stopped. All we need to know is that the other person is doing OK, but we are all dealing with aging parents right now (me mom with dementia, bestie #1 both parents are in poor health but too stubborn to care for themselves, and bestie #2/cousin whose parents actively hate each other but have been together too long to want to split. It's a sh*t show). Life, right? Your feelings are exactly what we all are experiencing, so I get it.
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u/leetheham 6h ago
Yeah OP is NOR. Not sure if this dude is Bipolar or has mental illness but this how I am. My withdrawal is exhausting for everyone, but now I’ve realized the signs and just do a simple “taking a breather it’s my mental health going wild again” type message. I understand when people break contact or don’t message back once the waters recede, and I truly hope they don’t feel bad for doing so.
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u/ladygrndr 5h ago
So proud of you for reaching this point in your mental health journey where you recognize the signs and can make communicating that a priority. That is so hard, and deserves to be recognized!!
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u/MeetBeep 6h ago
I have bi polar 2 and this is also me. When life gets too overwhelming, I retreat into my safe space, away from anyone and anything that isn’t in my direct vicinity.
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u/impulssiajo2320 6h ago
That’s me. I have made a whole bunch of supposed friends very angry by being too overwhelmed to communicate. I know they owe me nothing and it must have sucked for them. Still sucked for me too, being already down and getting no grace.
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u/ReasonableCrow3489 5h ago
Yeah, it's weird when they expect you to be understanding of how they feel, but they won't even try to understand how you feel. Or that's my experience at least. There's a lot of people who seem to think you can just "be positive" or just wake up one day and not have ptsd anymore because it's "in the past." I think American culture puts so much emphasis on extreme individualism that the default for people is to believe that mental health is just a matter of trying hard enough, or wanting something badly enough. It's really toxic and insensitive, but the blame is always put on the person already struggling.
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u/Embarrassed_Whole585 6h ago
I have CPTSD and routinely apologize to friends for doing what I've acknowledged as "isolating" where I tend to cut off everyone. It's not that I don't care, I'm literally in survival mode at times and can't even fathom dealing with life, let alone others. I also feel guilty at times, and don't want to be a burden, though I've been assured I am not one it can feel that way at times still.
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u/Alarming_Sun_9587 5h ago
I'm bipolar and this is exactly how it is. When I get overwhelmed, its like im programmed to automatically isolate. I dont answer anyone and no matter how selfish it seems, thats just what feels right to me. I dont stop caring or loving and its not that I never want to talk again, I just mentally can't at the moment or i'll lose it.
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u/MacsCheezyRaps 6h ago
I have bad PTSD and some other mental health issues. I was already extremely isolated, but I had to ghost everyone who ever knew me in an attempt to protect myself from my thoughts, emotions and memories, and attempt to move forward after extreme trauma. By the time I felt ok enough to be able to interact with anyone without it causing me to spiral into a dangerous place, it felt like it was too late to reach back out. I don't know a single person who knew me beforehand. I have made a couple friends in the years since then, but am still incredibly isolated and too afraid to really allow anyone in. PTSD can break someone and take away who they once were
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u/PotentialMessage7001 5h ago edited 29m ago
I've been on the "receiving end" for the past six months. Someone I met online and we thought it would go somewhere before family stressors hit again and he disappeared. I still hope he'll be back eventually but I know there's an immense load of shame and guilt coming with these mechanics. It's terrible because there's no "villain", just a crashing nervous system and the other side either gives up or snaps at some point because the disconnect is so big.
I sincerely hope you're doing ok and have some support!
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u/Desperate_Incident_5 6h ago
10,000% me. NOR, but maybe probe a bit, OP. I wish I knew how to articulate my feelings when I get like this, but sometimes someone asking helps me get out of my feelings dungeon.
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u/Able-Bid-6637 6h ago
I have CPTSD and this was literally the topic this morning in my therapy sesh 😅
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u/OG_LiLi 6h ago
Exactly my thought. This was me. I wanted to sink away and disappear and not let people down. Which led to me letting people down. This felt like shit cause they did nothing wrong.
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u/offensiveDick 6h ago
Am depressed for a while now. Sometimes I just despawn and answer Noone. So ops friend being depressed might be a good call.
Its gotten better now since I got a few years therapy under my belt. But back in the day I selfisolated for 4 month since I felt I was a burden to anyone I was talking to.
Now it's like a week to get myself together if everything feels too much.
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u/SurprisePitiful9191 6h ago
Glad you’re doing better. That said, your username 💀
I suppose being an offensiveDick is an improvement from depressingDick
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u/S1mongreedwell 9h ago
If nothing else, the curiosity would get the best of me. I would have to know wtf happened.
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u/NK792 10h ago
Helluva typo you got there
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u/SurprisePitiful9191 9h ago
Thanks for mentioning what the edit was after the change so us latecomers can have a cackle too.
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u/virstultus 10h ago
Some people are sensitive about their typos... Be gentile with him.
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u/IncognitoRain 7h ago
I was gonna say, I go MIA sometimes and I dont even mean too. My life is just ridiculously stressful in the stage I am and it gets extremely overwhelming to even message people sometimes that im alive. Sure 8 momths is a long time with no contact, but if you've known each other for 21 years, whats 8 months? My friends know ill come back around once im stable and have ahold of myself. But I also deal with mental health issues and have no health insurance right now too.
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u/RantyMcThrowaway 10h ago
NOR. I went through something similar with one of my best friends last year, and had similar feelings of betrayal and confusion. When she felt ready to reintegrate with our friends, she apologised for and acknowledged her absence, and explained she was at rock bottom with her mental health and didn't want to burden anybody. And honestly, after going through something extremely traumatic in September, I found myself understanding her a lot more for how she acted. It felt like I couldn't talk to anyone without flooding them with my grief. It's not healthy to isolate yourself, but sometimes it feels like the least destructive option, even if that may not be true.
If I were you and you still see value in this friendship, I'd reply saying you're hurt that you were ghosted and would like an explanation. Then decide for yourself if the explanation is "good enough" or not. To me, what happened with my friend wasn't worth losing her entirely over, and we see her regularly now that she's feeling stronger. But you may want to make a different choice, and let me stress that's absolutely okay too.
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u/TheFishermansWife22 10h ago
I’m really glad you and your friend had people willing to understand and forgive. I hope things are getting better and your mental health is feeling stronger.
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u/DusklitRoseHaven 2h ago
I’ve been on both sides of this, honestly. The one who felt abandoned and the one who couldn’t talk to anyone without breaking down. Neither side is fun, and it makes these situations so messy.
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u/False_Juggernaut_618 9h ago
My friend did this to me and it was devastating. I’m 100% sure she is mentally really down, but I’ve reached out many times and she has never been someone to confront her feelings. She goes inward. Way inward.
I know from other circles that she’s cut others off too.
It still hurts though, to go from talking to someone several times a day to zero. It’s like they died.
I’m glad your friend reached out and explained themselves and you can move on. I’m not sure that if my friend reached out, I’d be as generous. Like you said. It’s still hurtful even if there’s a good reason.
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u/Lost-and-dumbfound 9h ago
I’ve been your friend. I internalise everything to the point of spiralling and then I go completely inward. Barely spoke to a single soul for months except my partner (who I live with and couldn’t completely shut out). Sometimes I’d respond to random casual messages from an acquaintance but it was impossible to be responsive to those close to me. It took months and months of therapy and medication to crawl out of that hole. Ultimately ended up losing a good friend. And while I understand she gets why I did it. I also respect that it hurt her and she needs space. Maybe just for now. Maybe forever. No matter the reasoning or intent our actions (or inactions) do have consequences unfortunately. So many regrets man
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u/False_Juggernaut_618 8h ago
I’m sorry and also thanks for sharing that perspective. If my friend came back and was showing she was getting help, I’d feel differently. But historically she’s been very defensive whenever sad things have been brought up. I suspect that one of my texts sent her over the edge. After about 6 months of not hearing from her I reached out and said that I hope she was ok, she actually replied and said no, and I said i hoped she had support from family or therapist. I had to say it. And I’m guessing the mere suggestion further pushed us away from each other. At that point there was nothing to lose and I suspect other people tiptoe around her and placate her moods rather than confront her.
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u/snokensnot 5h ago
Ooof, yeah I would stop talking to you too if that’s how you responded to someone saying they weren’t okay. You clearly insinuated that they shouldn’t count on you for support, and so they don’t.
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u/CatMinous 8h ago
I’ve been your friend, also. Sometimes we just can’t.
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u/Jamesandtheivans 7h ago
This right here - I’ve been this friend too. Sometimes life gets so overwhelming that I have to shut the world out, and I just don’t have the energy to explain myself. I feel bad for it - but exactly as you said…. Sometimes we just can’t.
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u/BabaofTheShimmer 8h ago
My best friend of 40 years (known her all my life) sometimes gets really down, and won’t respond to messages for up to 5 days.
Mind you, I talk to her almost everyday, so 5 days is a long time.
But I also don’t take it personally. That’s part of me being supportive. When she feels like shit and can’t communicate, that’s fine. I get it. I’ve been there too.
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u/RhubarbGlittering776 5h ago
........5 days is so far from 8 months of no contact and no contact from a mutual friend when asking about the best friends well-being.
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u/Lunathiel 4h ago
This here is a fantastic reply. OP, you have every right to feel betrayed and abandoned, you definitely can let him know how it affected you. But also, you definitely can listen to him and let him explain what's really going on. I would. Damn, I would absolutely _demand_ an explanation, and an honest one.
I've been on both sides of this situation, and, as explained above, it changes your perspective. You understand it better when you experienced a state of mind so hard to explain, that you feel like it's better to just... stop talking to people altogether. Because you don't know how to be real with them, and not burden them too much at the same time. I have a tendency to isolate when things get too overwhelming, sometimes for extreme amounts od time. Sometimes I don't even realize I am doing it and how many days (weeks, then months) have passed since I started avoiding life, until it's _much_ too late to explain it and not sound like a total dick. You have no idea how much guilt I'm feeling about it every single time... Which makes me even more reluctant to reach out, because I'm afraid they'll be (and rightly so!) mad at me and confused as hell.
It's a coping mechanism, a vicious cycle. There's nothing logical about it. But it can and should be worked on, and not used as an excuse. It almost ruined my 15+ year long friendship. I just stopped answering, because even saying "hi" seemed like an herculean effort. No matter how understanding and warm my friend was treating me, I just... Didn't know how to talk to her anymore, how to talk to anyone without killing their mood instantly and worrying them.
You will make whatever choice you see fit and I hope it gives you some solace after this hard situation. Maybe your friend had an entirely different reasons, but I just wanted to pitch in, offer someone else's point of view. Good luck ❤️
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u/taewest29 10h ago
NOR- while I think you're not overreacting as I've been in the same place I'd still reply. Tell him how it made you feel and why you were getting in contact. You explaining you were just trying to look out for him might make him see why it hurt you so bad but if he down plays it then stop replying. I didn't reply to my friend and I lost him later that year and I've never really forgiven myself.
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u/root2crown4k 10h ago
Jeeze. I hope you can start to forgive yourself.
You’re human, it’s totally reasonable to feel a type of way, when someone you genuinely care for starts ignoring with no explanation.
This comment reads as heavy. You deserve forgiveness.
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u/taewest29 9h ago
I just wish I did say something even if it was me saying I'm angry and started some kind of dialogue between us.
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u/root2crown4k 9h ago
Of course that’s totally reasonable!
Have you ever said those things out loud or written them down?
Reading you say, I’ve never really forgiven myself, was difficult, especially in a situation you must have had so little control in.
I’m sorry for your loss.
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u/taewest29 9h ago
Unfortunately I just feel like I should've put my anger aside and done something but like you said I had little knowledge and control of the situation which didn't help.
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u/root2crown4k 9h ago
That is a completely valid way to feel. And it sucks I bet.
Finding ways to be kind to ourselves about these kinda things, has a weird way of freeing everyone involved.
I challenge you to be kind to yourself!
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u/captaindicksforhands 6h ago
I just want to say that you seem like a really kind and genuine person. Thank you for sharing that light. The world needs more people like you 🖤
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u/nobolognastoney 9h ago
It's okay to forgive yourself for not reacting to something you weren't aware of. Unfortunately we'll always wonder "what if" in some cases, and I'm sure feeling helpless as a result doesn't help. I feel this way about my grandmother. I hope you find peace, friend. We deserve it.
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u/taewest29 9h ago
Thank you, I hope you find peace too. I lost my Grandad unexpectedly when I was little and always felt there was more I needed to say to him but that wasn't because he reached out.
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u/The_Barbelo 8h ago
You’re experiencing what’s known as survivors guilt. I hope you have a really good support system! Just remember that there was no way you could have known. You did what was right for you at the time, in the best way you knew how. You aren’t alone. Many many people feel this guilt over a lost loved one. It’s complete natural to feel these things.
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u/__esparoba 7h ago
This happened to my wife. Apparently her maid of honor started spreading rumors about her to her bridemaids. The only way she knows is that a mutual said something.
Those rumors were saying that my wife didn't approve of boyfriends of these other women. It wasn't true. Her maid of honor spread these rumors for who knows what reason. Anyway we found out the why, just sad that no one had the decency to actually approach my wife asking if what was said was true.
I try my best to be encouraging to her and that she can find new friends. But I felt hurt for her too.
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u/justhereforfighting 9h ago
Agree, NOR. But OP you should definitely hear him out. There could be reasons why he did this. If he was going through something (like a drug or alcohol addiction) he might have felt more comfortable talking to someone who wasn’t close enough to stop by while pushing away the people closest to him. That isn’t to say what he did was right, just that there might be a reason that you could understand even if you don’t fully accept it. You don’t need to forgive him and you definitely don’t need to forgive him right away. But giving him the chance to explain is going to give you a whole lot more closure if nothing else.
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u/DadOfKingOfWombats 9h ago
I did the same thing. I saw his messages, and he ran into my dad once or twice and passed a message through him. I still didn't respond. Not for any malicious reason or because I was mad, I just didn't make the effort to send a simple message. His death has caused me to beat myself up over not responding, so now I make a point of replying to folks. So you know, the best thing you can do is forgive yourself and learn from it.
And OP, send the message. Reply and talk to him.
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u/Money-Professor-2950 5h ago
I think it takes losing someone we love to really understand this. it's hard to conceive until you've gone through it as an adult
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u/jowick2815 9h ago
The culture of ghosting has got to be the one of the worst aspects of this era
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u/taewest29 9h ago
Yep it really is, I think it hurts deeper because of how easy it is to get in touch with people now.
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u/liquid_acid-OG 6h ago
When you're really in the pits it's almost impossible to function properly or in a way that make sense. Hiding from people you love is unfortunatly normal.
You miss your friends but you convince yourself they're better off without you. When they reach out, all you feel is guilt and shame and you wind up hating yourself more. Which somehow proves they are better off without you because your a terrible friend.
One your mind starts poisoning itself, it's really hard to come back.
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u/JoeBiden-2016 8h ago
People have been losing touch with each other for as long as there have been people. The only reason it seems different now is that people have gotten used to constant, instant contact.
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u/jowick2815 7h ago
Loosing touch is very different since it's bilateral, ghosting is unilateral. There's no "gotten used to", older generations are much more inclined to constant contact. Instant contact is obviously new.
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u/AnxiousHedgehog01 5h ago
It's always been around. People used to just move half way round the world to get away from others and they'd never be heard from again. Several family members moved to Australia and disappeared. It was easier to ghost people in the past because you didn't have communication methods of today. It's just more noticeable today because of how easy it is to communicate.
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u/False_Juggernaut_618 9h ago
Yes, this. If nothing else it’s cathartic for you to get those feelings off your chest. And ask why! Why did you do this?
Because maybe there’s more to it, and maybe they’re just a shit friend. But it will help you decide.
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u/Shaggy_Doo87 8h ago
21 years is a long time to be best friends to just cut it because you didn't talk. He had something going on and reached out... at least hear him out. I've gone both ways in similar scenarios , I ended up cutting one friend off bc it was just an almost 20 year long cycle and I just couldn't do it anymore, and even tho he was in the wrong I still feel fucked up about it sometimes. Give him every chance if only so you can tell yourself later that you did everything you could.
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u/eazyseason18 9h ago
Be kind to yourself. It’s not your fault, you’re a good person. Take care of yourself my friend
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u/loki2113 4h ago edited 4h ago
I feel so similar but it was with my brother. I had idolized my brother to the point where when I was 4-5 and it was discovered I needed glasses, my mom got me to wear them by saying it would make me more like my brother Matt so I started wearing them without issue. When I was almost 10 and my brother was 17, he left as my family was preparing to move across the state because he didn't want to leave his friends and girlfriend behind. He also had a long standing animosity towards our mom and went no contact. Fast forward to when I was 18/19, we got back in touch.
We started playing games together like The Division and Starcraft 2 but I couldn't always connect with him as he was a completely different person than I remembered through my fractured childhood memories. While this is totally normal, I didn't know how to connect with him as an adult and felt really awkward about things. He eventually took his own life in 2017.
To be blunt his actions were inevitable and was a result of a very hard life he lived during his absence and I'm under no notion that I could have prevented it by being there. I just wish that I had spent the time better and gotten to know him better. Even compared to my mom I lost the same year or my long estranged father I lost around 2020, I don't have that same regret but I do for my brother.
All I can really say is NOR but you should trust your gut OP.
u/taewest29 I hope you can find the healing you need. As someone who has been down the path suic*de several times, there wasn't anyone who could have stopped me or changed my mind from going through with it. I had to find it within myself to keep going. Please don't blame yourself as it is far too much of a burden to think you are responsible or could have saved them.
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u/taewest29 2h ago
I also lost a brother and it's a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone, 17 years ago he died and it still hurts the same. If you ever need someone to listen just drop me a message.
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u/Rude-Cattle-4135 9h ago
As a complete stranger, I hope your path gets a little easier with your forgiveness, and that you have a nice day
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u/TatorTotNachos 9h ago
That’s a heavy burden to carry. I’m willing to bet that this person doesn’t blame you, and wouldn’t want you living with the pain and regret you are now. You had a valid reason for not responding, whatever that reason was. And I am also willing to bet they understood your reason. No one can predict the future. Let go, babe.
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u/iDontLikeItHere00 6h ago
Its possible he's in severe depression and he didnt want his closest friend to see him that way.
This might be him asking for help.
Seek to understand before you write him off. It might save a life.
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u/GrynnTog 10h ago
NOR Valid in feeling mad - but I would hear what happened. Any number of things could be the cause even a simple misunderstanding between you too could have caused this. I would hear his side of the story then go from there. If you decide you don't want to continue the relationship after that's on you but at least you will have closure and know the reason why. Best of luck!
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u/CoffeeS3x 10h ago
Give him a chance. You’re not overreacting for being upset, but you don’t know what he’s been going through. It takes a lot for most people to go virtually no contact with their best friend for 8 months, he could have been in a bad place and maybe it took a lot for him to reach out now.
By his message it sounds like he knows he’s in the wrong here. That’s a good first step. Don’t throw away your 21 year best friend.
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u/tessaemilybrown 10h ago
+ also if the OP does not think the reason is justifiable, they can still close the chapter and be done with the friendship.
Without listening to the friend, OP won't have the closure and might start over-thinking all WHAT IFs which might be mentally draining over years.
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u/ThighranasaurusRex 9h ago
I agree - anyone would be justified in being hurt, confused, and frustrated if their friend went no contact for that long.
To offer another perspective though, when I realized how deeply I was stuck in a violent relationship with a literal sadist, I had no idea what to do. Anyone in an abusive relationship knows that it seeps in over time, so I'd spent years justifying his behavior and lying about how I got injuries at that point. I was able to be honest with ONE friend about it, at some point - but it had nothing to do with that friend being better than any other, it was just timing I guess.
I was isolated and focused on survival for about a year before I finally escaped (like, no shoes on, no belongings, just car keys/phone/wallet and my cat - got in my car and left while he was in the kitchen). Over time I started reaching out to friends I had alienated.
I will always be sorry I got wrapped up in such a bad relationship and didn't invest in my friends and family. But luckily most of them were there when I was ready. You just never know if someone is dealing with depression, addiction, abuse, whatever. It might not be personal. No idea about this guy's friend but just wanted to offer another perspective.
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u/Shot_Story1773 9h ago
That’s awful I’m so sorry you went through that, but have to say how incredibly strong and brave you are to have left like you did. I hope you are healed and happy
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u/ThighranasaurusRex 9h ago
I'm much better now! Thanks :) therapy and a great support system go a long way.
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u/Corfiz74 10h ago
Actually, I'd write that I'm seriously hurt and pissed and that unless he has a very good explanation/ justification for ghosting me, I'm going to block him.
I was thinking "prison", until you said he had been in contact with that other friend. Maybe he was in inpatient treatment and too embarrassed to tell you? The other friend seems to have known what was up, but felt it was not their place to tell you, that's why they left you on read.
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u/Financial_Accident71 9h ago
I also think it is possible that he kept in touch with the other friend bc they were physically far away. Like this friend couldnt just show up at his door or ask hum to hang out and felt like a safer space. I know it doesnt make sense but I've similarly isolated myself from everyone around me before but i was able to maintain contact with a few friends in other countries because it seemed like a lot less pressure (as ridiculous as that may sound). I've also isolated from friends who tend to call, bc the calls felt like too much pressure as well, but sometimes texting-only-type friends has less pressure.
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u/CoffeeS3x 10h ago
Agreed, that’s exactly what I meant by give him a chance. Hear him out, then you can decide if his actions are forgivable or not. That’s it.
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u/Nix-geek 8h ago edited 2h ago
This is a sign of somebody going through some major depression, but they are on the other side of it now.
Please just be open, let them know it's OK, and please do not get on their case about their silence. They'll open up about it when they're able to. They are reaching out now. Take that opportunity to fill them in on how you've been and that you miss them and hope they are doing well. Let them know that you're available to just hang out without any plans to do anything... just hang out.
Be there for them without pressure to make them open up. Just be there.
source : somebody that went through major suicidal depression that had a friend that was just there for me. It saved my life.
EDIT: I'm surprised at the number of selfish 'but what about me/OP' people replying to me here. I mean, seriously. I say, "be there for your friend, they need help." and there are so many people saying, but what about my/OP's needs? If you've been ghosted, maybe you should internalize that thought process to find out why people have stopped talking to you. When I was in the middle of my depression, I found out who my true friends where. They were the ones that never reached out to me. They were the ones that ignored me when I said I was depressed. They were the ones that told me to get out and 'be happy' when that was a complete impossibility. I don't talk to those toxic and narcissistic people any longer. My life is so much better for it.
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u/howtobegeo 6h ago
This.
It doesn’t excuse how he ghosted you, but it’s likely not even about you. I would focus on how worried you were and how much you missed them. Show them that if there is a next time, you want to be there for them. NOR but don’t put the blame on him.
I wonder if it was easier to reach out to the long distance friend than IRL.
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u/StillGoingToLurk 4h ago
Agree with above. MOR just because you can absolutely have your feelings and express them, but I’ve gone through this before (in an abusive marriage and 5 year crisis) and there are times you can’t communicate with friends. Just can’t. Can’t explain the web of shit. Real crisis shit that maybe you’re just barely holding together.
When I finally emerged, my real best friends were just there. Throughout my absence they KNEW ME and knew that I’d eventually come around. That’s the powerful shit real friends can provide. Didn’t make it about them. It was such a gift and, going forward, I give that same gift to others who are fucking up their lives and lost — it’s not about you. What real friends do is care and have compassion. Your feelings are hurt? Get therapy and learn how to manage that in a healthy way. As your friend’s text shows: He never really went away, he was just lost. As adults, sometimes that’s how it goes. You want the best for friends, no matter what that looks like, with or without you.
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u/Proud_Accident_5873 7h ago
I can't believe how far I had to scroll for this. I'm thinking the exact same way as you.
I hope you're doing well now and that you're safe!
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u/Nix-geek 6h ago
I am. thank you for asking.
It has been a long road. I hope OP and their friend will get there, too.
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u/cant_find_me_here 5h ago
100%
I have been this person
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u/SteveSeppuku 5h ago
yeah, I'm reading this thread to get a sense of what its like on the other side.
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u/atimetochill 3h ago
Yep I have ghosted and it’s because I’m doing worse than I think I can hide from the person or can’t fake it to someone who I’m close to. I can maintain relationships with people I’m less close to because they are more superficial so I don’t have to hide or fake anything at that relationship level.
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u/EssTeeEss9 5h ago
How does this explain/alleviate OP’s friend continuing to communicate with their mutual? My brother has depression and when he goes incommunicado, it’s to everyone except his wife. And if he didn’t live with her, he’d not answer her texts either.
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u/ODBeef 4h ago
I often find that when I’m in those mode, someone who doesn’t have as much weight (importance) in my life is a lot easier to talk to.
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u/cigarettejuice666 4h ago
I feel like it makes sense that he stayed in contact with someone who was in another state. There’s no chance of him having to meet up with them in person since they live so far away, but he still has someone to talk to at least via text. Maybe that’s the reason why? Sometimes people experience heavy shame along with depressive episodes, and push away the people closest to them for that very reason.
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u/Nix-geek 2h ago
When I was in my darkness, I knew who I could talk to and who would make my depression about them. I didn't talk to those people. Why would I?
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u/CreativeKnots1629 4h ago
When I’m that low, I have certain friends that I go to for certain things. It’s not that I’m deliberately trying to avoid someone, it’s that I know Friend A doesn’t deal well with such and such situation and I don’t want them to worry while Friend B is okay and won’t overreact if I’m spilling my guts. Just my two cents 🤷🏻♀️
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u/somanyquestions32 5h ago
Nah, OP needs to choose what's right for him. I have also dealt with chronic treatment-resistant major depressive disorder with constant suicidal ideation, and I still didn't ghost the people who were closest to me for 8 months. If anything, they couldn't handle my grief. Those who did it due to bipolar disorder episodes would just block me and unblock me. It's exhausting, and maintaining friendships like that where people just disappear from your life only to re-emerge when it's convenient for them are not sustainable friendships to me anymore.
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u/East-Pair-5950 10h ago
well ask his what was up, no?
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u/GaijinFoot 9h ago
Hey man. Don't come here making obvious common sense comments like this. OP should think of a really witty and cutting remark like someone in a movie would make. Then the screen can transition into the new part. Maybe something like 'if you think you can just walk in and think everything is OK, you have another thing coming. That door is closed and locked. No wonder your parents got a devorce.'
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u/Harnessed_Hopes 9h ago
I love that their best friend of two decades goes MIA and then reaches out and the first thing OP does is post it on reddit to rag on him instead of asking his friend any questions to find out what was wrong or if he’s ok
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u/Wonderful_Citron_518 6h ago
I think sometimes it’s easier to get perspective from people who have no skin in the game and who will call it as they see it from the info given. And also possibly get advice from people who’ve been in a similar situation. OP may not know anyone who has gone through this. He obviously doesn’t trust his own judgement as he’s too close to the situation and hurt from being ignored. It’s not that different from talking to a therapist before deciding what to do and that wouldn’t be the worst decision either.
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u/PrincessRut0 9h ago
As someone who’s isolated themselves in unbelievably hard times before, I know this sucks, but all I’d say is to approach them with as much grace and understanding as you can.
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u/findingbalanceinink 7h ago
yeah, i'm not going to say you have to be friends with someone when you feel like they abandon you. i'll just share one of the views from the other side of depression
-every day you feel worse and have trouble getting out of bed. you don't sleep right, and when you aren't completely numb you are filled with dread and hopelessness
- you talk to people but keep it shallow. they ask you how you are, you say fine. or struggling. or maybe you tell someone you are close to what is really going on, and they tell you to talk to them when you feel down.
-you feel down for a week. and then a month and suddenly it's been a year. you reach out to your friend, but you can tell they're tired of it. they have their own stuff going on. you decide not to talk about it anymore
-you look at the messages from people that you ghosted. it has been so long you don't know what to say. you're so gray and down lately, you can't imagine they would be happy to hear your reason for not answering. so you dont answer. and the longer it goes the harder it gets
-you decide everyone would be happier if you werent here
-that therapy appt you made awhile ago is coming up so you go
- they encourage to reach out to other people more. they tell you the first step to making things right is to say something
NOR. OP sounds like a kind friend for checking on them over and over. i hope things work out, whichever way they go
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u/BrashUnspecialist 6h ago
And don’t forget, every other time this has happened, you’ve lost friends because you didn’t prioritize them and how THEY felt you should deal with your illness, even though that would have drained you more. So now you have to bust past that wall to reach out, too, cause you don’t know if they’re gonna be understanding or judgey.
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u/Hamsammichd 9h ago
The older you get, the harder it gets to manage friendships. I don’t speak regularly, if at all, to many of my good friends. We have families, stress, obligations, and social anxiety can make it seem difficult to reconnect or reach out. I’ve been this person, and others have done so to me.
I’d give your friend the benefit of the doubt, you don’t know what common ground he had with your other friends. Life is too short to burn bridges, even if it seems the burden is on his end of the bargain.
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u/Opinion_Less 6h ago
Yeah, I try not to take it personally when I dont hear back from a friend for months because I'm terrible about it too. Sometimes life gets too busy with family, kids, jobs, etc. Throw social anxiety, introverted personalities, and mental health in there too.
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u/Tjccs 9h ago
NOR - BUT maybe your friend was not in a good place mentally, now why didn't he tell you, could be because he knew that you would most likely do everything you could to help him out and he might have not wanted to put that pressure on you or felt guilty doing so, some people deal with mental health differently.
Why would he talk to the other friend instead? Could be because said friend is in another state so would be unlikely that he would physically come to help and just talk over messages/phone.
I would reply and hear him out, then decide based on his response.
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u/Ficsonium 6h ago
Sounds like it could’ve been depression.
Do not attribute to malice, what can be attributed to extreme sadness
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u/MiDiAN00 9h ago
MOR - Same thing happened to me. The last message he sent me was I bought a new toothbrush today. Then ghosted me for over a year. After weeks of trying to talk to him, I gave up and got on with my life. Then I started seeing his name comment on posts about fantasy football, and replying to mine. Got in contact with him again, and he explained he’s had a mental breakdown and his brother had to move in with him to look after him, and when he got better he felt embarrassed. I made sure he knew he could always talk to me, and that was that. Back to how it was.
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u/Opus_Zure 7h ago
It happens. I had something similar happen with a friend. She was dealing with alcoholism, and hit rock bottom and isolated herself. When she did finally reached out, ultimately, I was just relieved she found a soft place to land with some folks who had walked the path of sobriety before. We are still friends, and hope we will always be. We just pick up and keep moving forward 💛
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u/haleykirk91 10h ago
You’re NOR but I’m definitely gonna guess there’s some depression or weird mental health stuff going on.
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u/Big-D_OdoubleG 9h ago
I was gonna say this could be depression too. I've ghosted friends before in my deep depression days simply because everyday was survival and couldn't put my energy elsewhere
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u/haleykirk91 8h ago
Mine starts as survival and turns into a shame spiral and before I know it 2 months have passed and I haven’t said anything to my friend or family member.
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u/FirstTasteOfRadishes 9h ago
You don't know what you don't know, and you never will if you ignore him. Communication is always better. Hear what he has to say. You can decide your next steps then.
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u/GrimWrath 10h ago
You have every right to be upset. That said. I think it's worth seeing what is up, and why it happened. I've had times where I've had mental health creep up on me and would drop all, or most friends. Sometimes it was intentional, sometimes it wasn't. But it was never about them. Mental health is weird, man. See if he's ok. If he's been ok this whole time, then stay angry. If he had some issues, and you can find it in yourself to forgive him, try to. If you can't, then I'm sure he'll understand.
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u/DisturbingRerolls 10h ago
So, to give an example: the last time I went dark on all my friends was because someone broke into my home in the dead of night to sexually assault me.
I then got diagnosed with a serious incurable disease.
I still had to work and study while this was happening.
I didn't want to bring my shit onto the dining table, if you know what I mean.
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u/fathersdaysonsunday 9h ago
You have every right to be upset, it sounds like he’s fallen into a depression. I would say the contact with the friend outside of town may be easier since there’s little expectation to hang out in person but it could have been the type of situation where hanging out in person with you is ‘too much’.
Let them know how you feel, it is likely their own feelings of worthlessness and isolation feel absolutely necessary to them and they haven’t really considered how that would impact the people around them
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u/maestrodamuz 9h ago
Most of the time, it’s depression or shame that leads to stuff like this.
I had a friend who ghosted a lot of us because she was in an abusive marriage and couldn’t bear the shame of what was happening to her. Now we’ve intervened and she’s in a much better place.
You gotta hear him out just to be sure
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u/Severe_Distance574 6h ago
NOR This kind of happened to me. Turned out he had invented this situation where I was “taking” a girl he was in to. She was new in our friend group and I thought she was gay and I had zero idea he was even in to her or whatever. Just one day he ghosted on me and we didnt speak for months. We kinda became friends again but things weren’t ever the same and then fast forward a few years and he’s telling my wife to leave me behind my back because I’m “not a good person.” We do not speak at all now of course but it’s my choice and I was very clear about why but I could have saved a huge headache if I just mutually cut contact when he did it to me.
If someone’s doing that to you, they are telling you they aren’t your friend and you should listen.
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u/Ok_Rip1317 10h ago edited 9h ago
nor nothing you said puts the responsibility on you your free to be mad and not reply.
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u/Wilhelm228 10h ago
Second this, the ball is on your side. I would be tempted to hear his explanation tho
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u/Bla_Bla_Blanket 9h ago edited 7h ago
NOR - If the mutual friend also didn’t reach out that might be something to take note of. When someone’s just going through a tough time it’s pretty common for a friend to say something like “Hey he’s not in a great headspace right now, just needs a little space.”
But when there’s total silence from both of them and you’re left on read it can feel pretty telling. You don’t need to confront it if you don’t want to but it’s okay to acknowledge how that made you feel and let that guide how you move forward.
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u/flgrant 7h ago
Yep. That’s the added detail to this story that I don’t like. Something was going on, more than just “needing space”.
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u/Safe-Butterfly165 10h ago
not OR— you’re valid for the way you feel. try not to take any emotion out on him, he sounds remorseful and if this isn’t a common occurrence i’m sure he feels bad. just tread carefully.
in my experience ghosting out of the blue like this has been due to drugs. but it could be literally anything
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u/Chronogon 10h ago edited 6h ago
NOR you are free to feel how you feel, and might be worth at least hearing their side of the story. You can still decide from that whether or not to continue the relationship.
I've had a good friend ghost me for months and, without going into detail, was due to a relationship they had where the new boyfriend was blocking contact with any friends. Once they were out of the picture we were able to chat again.
Hear this friend out, they owe you this much at least.
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u/Unfit-ForDuty1101 9h ago
I would be upset. Ask him what happened. Then decide if you want to maintain the friendship. Definitely NOR. I've been there.
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u/Numerous-Buy495 7h ago
NOR but I'd be willing to bet he's going through something pretty heavy and it's not personal. So, I'd hear him out.
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u/semicharmedstevie 7h ago
NOR but i would have a conversation with them, preferably in person. if you don’t want to continue the friendship after that, that’s your valid choice, but i think both if you would benefit from a sit-down.
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u/poofypanda_ 6h ago
You can be mad for however long you need to be, I wouldn’t blame you for replying or not replying. That is fully up to how you see fit.
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u/emsielehanne84 6h ago
I think I would just text the words “What happened?” and go from there. Good luck OP
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u/WobbleNobble 6h ago
I was that friend. I was extremely depressed and so far gone that I didn't reach out to friends for a whole year. I reconnected with them a little over a year ago and they were pretty upset, but after having a sit down and catching up on what happened they were pretty understanding and had me promise to keep them in the loop. The biggest thing was removing the someone that was ruining my mental health so now I'm fine.
Being upset is one thing, but if you're really best friends with the guy I highly suggest reaching out and offering to talk to him. The isolation from bad bouts of depression is soul crushing and the guilt of not reaching out takes a lot of a person. It makes it hard to reach out when they are ready. Be the friend that he needs and talk to him. It could be something serious, or something dumb and in that case you could josh him up as friends do.
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u/No-Cat-2274 2h ago
NOR. You should figure out what happened, if you want to. If the explanation is not good enough, some friends just aren't meant to be lifelong friends.
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u/delicious_coins 1h ago
NOR - the amount of responses saying give them a chance is scary. That person decided you were not even worth the dignity of a reason. It's likely they will ghost you again.
Relationships are based on trust and communication. They violated both and now want you to respond to them because of their own wants. First they disappear then they reappear and expect you to accommodate them. It's disrespectful.
This person is not your friend. Move on and don't let them play games with you or guilt you for their own agenda.
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u/anotherworthlessman 1h ago
Respond. Trust me, respond. I'm a little older and had done this to people, and had it done to me too.
I understand what you went through, the hurt and feelings involved in being ignored, but for the 21 years, was he a good friend? If yes, respond.
Adult life isn't like childhood, seems you were childhood friends. Long story short, shit happens, people fall into depressions, people just have "life" happen to them, and sometimes they don't want their best friends to know about it, and might pick someone else to talk to.
It sounds like you're a good friend to him, and outside of this 8 month period, he was a good friend to you. Doing some quick math; He had a bad run for 3% of your friendship. 97% is stellar in most instances, and is stellar in friendship too. Lifelong friends, and adult friends are hard to come by. Welcome him back into your life. You'll be glad you did.
Now if this becomes a pattern, sure then make another decision, but that time is not now.
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u/Happy_Cheek7783 10h ago edited 8h ago
NOR. What you’re feeling is completely normal and understandable dude. It’s up to you whether you want to reinitiate a friendship where you feel like it was one-sided towards the end with no communication whatsoever. He wasn’t there for you and didn’t let you be there for him. I would also be pissed if a close friend did this to me.
You can consider that he might’ve been in a really bad place mentally which sometimes makes it hard to reach out to certain people even if they’re important to you, but ultimately it’s your decision if you want to let him back into your life. If asking questions and expressing your feelings helps YOU, then you should do it.
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u/Methdesto 9h ago
I had something like this happen and after some back and forth the guy just wanted money for ….. and had burned all his bridges and i guess was working his way out.
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u/flamboyantbutterfly 10h ago
NOR. You’re completely entitled to whatever response you feel like it’s right for you. I’d just add that there might be more to the story than you know and maybe a long term friend deserves one second chance to explain. But you’re obligated to do anything.
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u/Traditional-Wing-872 8h ago
Sounds like you want to throw away your 21 year friendship if you don’t want to find out what led him to ignore you that long. You don’t know what people are going through, he wants to make it right and talk about it, atleast it seems like it, hear him out then decide if your done
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u/CalmInteraction884 7h ago
Are you 4??
Let’s flip the script here. Are you ok tossing a 21 year o friendship by leaving him on read? Because now he’s reached out to you.
You could ask what the fuck here. You could tell him to fuck off. You could get off Reddit and enjoy your friend… or find out what’s up.
Some of y’all need to really learn that life is best lived when you don’t keep score. And it shows.
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u/slipbegin 3h ago
Agree completely. People are complex. We are only on earth once. Dont burn bridges unnecessarily.
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u/CalmBeneathCastles 4h ago
That was until I found out he was still talking to one our mutual friends...
Personally, if he had just fallen off the face of the Earth, I would be less upset than this. Not even a "Hey, I'm going offline, get back to you later", no nothing, while he continues to talk to other friends? And then the first thing said is not "Holy shit, I'm sorry, please let me explain!" but something that amounts to "I finally miss you, let's move on"?
NOR, I might listen to his excuse to satisfy my own curiosity, but unless it was a REAL wowzer of an excuse, I think I'd just leave this relationship where it died.
Life is to short to be treated with such contempt by your supposed "friends".
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u/fiblesmish 8h ago
Just tell him that.
"You go no contact for 8 months, now you want me to just act like nothing happened. You better start with a good explanation or just lose my number"
You do not owe anybody your time or your feelings.
Yes people have difficult things to deal with in life but that is not a pass on simply cutting others out without a word.
There are 8 billion people in the world if this one can't explain find another "friend"
NOR
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u/flgrant 7h ago
Agreed. I feel like some people are bending over backwards to explain perhaps why the other person ghosted. Who knows. Life is too short for “friends” like that.
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u/mmarie5 10h ago
NOR. The way he went about it was shady. To throw you aside for 8 months without any kind of explanation. And especially if he was communicating with someone else. He could’ve taken 3 seconds to send you a text that said he had stuff going on and he just needed space… but now he wants to text you 8 months later and expects you to just be like ya that’s cool. No. We all go through things in life but that doesn’t give you an excuse to be an asshole
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u/Strict-Grass-5528 9h ago
NOR that’s a crappy way to treat a long term friend. It’s fine if he needed space and I think it’s also fine that he didn’t completely isolate from everyone. But it’s not cool to at least communicate that. To just ignore your attempts to reach out to him for months is inconsiderate. How difficult is it to text back, “I’m fine…just need some time and space” I think I’d tell him that and give it another chance, but if it happens again, that would be the end of the friendship for me.
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u/Interesting-West8251 9h ago
NOR. If you want to know what he was thinking you could answer back, but you have every right to ignore this. You’re absolutely justified in your feelings. Whatever you decide (respond or not) you are correct. At this point you should be focused on your needs from this interaction; make you choice based on your concern for your own wellbeing
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u/LilPajamas 9h ago
I have been on both sides of this. You need to know exactly what happened and why he ghosted you. From there you can decide to forgive or forget. Get the entire story and context you deserve.
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u/Bryan_URN_Asshole 8h ago
I would talk to him about it. There could be something you don't know about that went on. If his answer is something that has nothing to do with you, I'd say let it go. Maybe mentally he wasn't ok and even though you were best friends he needed time to himself, and if that's the case, then I would say go easy on him.
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u/oh_f-f-s 7h ago
NOR.
Your feelings are valid, but you might want to hear him out.
He might tell you something that makes you understand why he didn't get in touch.
Personally, I couldn't imagine what that might be, but I'm not you so IDK.
If, having heard his point of view, you decide he was out of order, you can decide what you want to do about it then.
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u/crychai 7h ago
it may be that he was going through something super tough and that mutual friend is the person he turned to for support for whatever reason, and would explain why they didn't reply to you about it because they knew it's not their place to expose the other persons problems.
if you love this friend and he's always been a good friend otherwise, i'd say give some grace and talk to find out what really happened and if he's ok, tell him how you feel
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u/lilkully 7h ago
I’ve been on both sides of this. You’re NOR, and sometimes depression, bipolar disorder, or just life being busy and tough can make you lose touch from the good things in your life.
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u/FuzzyJoint 7h ago
I pulled away from every living being while at the most critical / at risk point of a mental health crisis.
Before that I pulled away from every living being while at an extremely low point, and was in a very toxic relationship where my ex wouldn’t allow me access to my friends or family.
Sometimes people go missing because they need help, sometimes they go missing because life moves incredibly fast.
Move forward and let your boy off easy. He needs you, if not right now he will in the future.
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u/Uhanalainen 7h ago
NOR—you have valid reasons to feel hurt and betrayed. But I’d still ask him why. Then, depending on the answer, you can decide whether you want to try repairing what’s left or block and move on.
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u/TomosTopknot 6h ago
Give yourself a minute and reply when you are ready. NOR for having feelings and missing your friend. But he is reaching out for connection and he apologized. Breathe first, regulate, then respond to connect. You don’t have to reply today.
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u/General-Computer-583 6h ago
I've done exactly what your friend has done. Sometimes you need a break from people because you're overwhelmed or just to simply get away from them. One day turns into two and soon weeks then months. You realize that you've left them for too long and feel guilty for even leaving them in the first place and are lost on how to reconnect. If this is a similar situation to mine, I'd say hear him out.
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u/Relative-Mud-9195 6h ago
MOR Many people drop social activity when depressed or extremely stressed out. He obviously feels bad about it. If he’s your lifelong friend, I get not texting back right away to make a statement, but you are furthering his isolation. Don’t punish someone for trying to do better.
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u/Vivid-Importance007 10h ago
I’d ask, if I was really over it, anyway. Worst case— I don’t like their answer and now I’m ghosting…
But, I am just nosey. Sooo…